Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
by rabbit-eared-warbler
Summary: Here are a bunch of songfics/oneshots to Relient K songs.
1. Faking My Own Suicide

**Author's note: I had to take out all the lyrics because it's against the rules to put them in here, but you can just listen to the song that is the title of each story as you read if you like!**

**Faking My Own Suicide**

I sigh as I look at the boy across the room from me. Blaine's such an idiot-it just makes me so mad, sometimes! What do I have to do for him to realize he likes me, too? I'm still surprised that he doesn't know how I feel; I've been told I'm pretty obvious. Stupid Blaine. He just makes me want to hit something...

The bell rings to signal that class is over. I go to my dorm and sit on my bed, just thinking. I pick up the phone and call Mercy. "Hey, girl...I have a problem..."

"What's up, white boy?"

"I need to get Blaine to notice me."

"Notice you? You guys hang out all the time; I think he knows you exist."

I roll my eyes. "You _know _that's not what I mean."

"Have you ever considered just _telling _him you like him? You could just ask him out."

Shocked, I reply, "You of all people should know it's not that easy! You never tell someone that you like them-it makes you look like an idiot!"**(A/N: lol Does that ring a bell? Who got that?)**

I can practically hear Mercedes rolling her eyes on the other end. "Okay, smart one. Blaine's so oblivious, though...The only way I think you'd get his attention otherwise would be if you died. Then you'd never get to be together. Oh! I've got it! Maybe you could just scream 'I love Blaine!' at the top of your lungs. While standing on a rooftop. Think he'd get the hint?"

"Mercy, you're a genius!" He'd realize he loved me if I died. If I came back to life after that, he'd already know...I may not be able to come back to life, but I know what I can do.

"What did I say? I was kidding about the roof thing, you know-"

"No, not that. I gotta go."

She quickly says, "Don't do anything stupid!"

I answer, "I make no promises," before hanging up. This just might work.

How do I go about this? How do I do this without _actually _dying? I bite my lip. I just want Blaine to feel as bad as I do every day; he's so stupid for putting me through this. When I "die", he'll feel so horrible and understand that he really loves me. I realize this plan isn't near perfect, but...I'm desperate, alright? Yes. I'm _that _desperate.

I take some sleeping pills from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I set the pill bottle next to my water bottle on my nightstand. I take a deep breath. I really hope this will work... I write a letter to Blaine:

_Dear Blaine,_

_ I know you love me; you just haven't realized. So I'm going to leave this world behind...Just...Blaine, I can't take it anymore. You're right there but you're not __**mine.**__I just love you, Blaine, and I can't stand to live another day._ _I'd rather die than not have you. I can't live without you. Goodbye, Blaine._

_Love,_

_Kurt_

I write one for Blaine to give to Mercedes, too. I know he won't read it because he's too much of a gentleman to read a letter addressed to someone else. I shake my head. That moron...

_Dear Mercy,_

_ I'm faking my own suicide. I know you'll be so mad, but I'm doing it so Blaine finally notices me. He'll realize he loves me when I "die". Do you see why I didn't promise not to do anything stupid? Because I imagine you'll be calling me stupid after this._

_Love always,_

_Kurt_

I run over to Blaine's dorm and slip the notes under his door. I knock on the door, run to my room, and take six sleeping pills. When my vision starts to get blurry, I dizzily make my way to my bed. I take three more pills for good measure. I have a moment of fear where I wonder what if I accidentally _do _die...Then...nothing.

I open my eyes to some doctors talking all around me. I'm in the hospital. "He's awake," one of the doctors says. Thank goodness I'm alive... This was stupid of me to even try. I could have _died._ _For real_.

"Hey," I say, "Um...can you not tell Blaine that I'm...awake?"

A male doctor says, "Blaine...Oh, _that _kid..."

"Are you sure?" a female doctor asks, "he's been so worried; he's been checking on you every five minutes..."

"I..." I gesture for her to come closer, "Do me a favor and look up 'Faking My Own Suicide' lyrics by Relient K..." I whisper, "Then you'll get it." She nods, looking a bit puzzled, and runs off. I look at the other three doctors and say, "_Please_ don't tell him..."

A male doctor hesitates, before saying, "Alright, kid. Pretend to sleep, 'cause he should be coming soon."

"Thank you," I say before closing my eyes. I still feel really tired.

Moments later, I hear footsteps coming into the room. "How is he?!" Blaine asks, sounding scared. I do feel a little bad about all this...Maybe I should abort the mission and just "wake up" now?

"He's not awake, yet," the doctor from before answers.

"Sorry, kid," another voice says.

"I...I just can't believe he did this...and he did it because of _me..._" Yeah, that's right. I did it because of _you_. I wanted him to feel bad, but now...I just feel guilty.

There are a few moments of silence, and the sound of Blaine walking away. "He's gone..." someone says. I open my eyes.

"Thank you so much...I know you're not really supposed to do this, so thanks."

"Don't mention it," one doctor says, still looking guilty.

The lady comes back and asks, "I looked up the song...but are you_ sure_ you want to put him through all this?"

I think for a moment. Do I want to put him through this? I don't really know... "Yes," I say. "Can you, like, fake my death or something? Um...but who's here for me other than Blaine?"

"Just him and a girl..."

"Mercedes?"

"I think so. He said something about not wanting to worry anyone."

I think back to the letters I wrote. I admitted my love for Blaine in the letter...I wonder if I should be embarrassed...

The loud "beep" of the machine sounds through the room. I close my eyes, keeping my breathing still as I can while my heart beats fast.

I hear someone run in. "He...he's _gone?!_ No..." Blaine sounds like he's been crying.

"I'm sorry," someone says.

"But...why?"

I hear Mercedes say, "Blaine...there's something I should tell you..."

"No! Kurt...I loved him! I just...I...He apparently loved me too and now he's gone! Now we'll never get together, never get married or move to New York together..."

I can't take this anymore. Eyes still closed, I say, "Blaine..."

I was faking my own suicide  
Because I know you loved me  
You just never realized  
I was faking my own suicide

"Did you just hear that?" Blaine asks, "Or am I hearing things now?"

"I heard it..." Mercy answers. "Here...This is the letter Kurt gave me..." After a pause, she says, "Just read it."

I hear the ruffle of paper and I open my eyes. I watch Blaine read my letter to Mercedes. Immediately, his eyes widen in disbelief. I sit up and start to walk over to Blaine.

When he's done reading, he hands the paper to Mercedes and looks up at me. Tears stain his face. He smacks me across the face. "You _idiot!_" Then he grabs me and kisses me forcefully. I kiss back, shocked.

"How could you do that to me?! Those were the worst 30 minutes of my life! You're so lucky I didn't call your parents or Finn! You could've _actually_ died!"

"I know! I'm sorry!"

"Never. Again. That was pure torture. Never do that to me again."

"Don't worry. I'm _never ever_ doing that again..." I've learned my lesson.


	2. Bite My Tongue

**Bite My Tongue**

**3 Times Kurt Should've Bit His Tongue, and 1 Time It Was a Good Thing That He Didn't:**

1:

Kurt walked through his house, talking to Mercedes on the phone. "I know, right!" he said. "We need to get ahold of Rachel's clothes and just burn them all. I mean, she somehow manages to dress like a toddler and an old lady at the same time."

Mercedes answered, "I just don't understand her sense of style."

"That's because she has none. I wonder where she gets her clothes. Rachel just needs to wake up and realize that those reindeer sweaters are _not_ working. They never have, for anyone," Kurt said, pouring himself some orange juice. He leaned against the counter and started to take a drink. He set the phone down and put it on speaker.

"Reindeer sweaters?! Ha! Did you see that dress she was wearing last week? I was like, 'Rachel, honey, I'm sorry, but I just can't stand to look at you as long as you're wearing _that _monstrosity.'"

Kurt answered, "And she wonders why she doesn't get the guys," rolling his eyes.

"Dude," Finn said, and Kurt turned around. "That's my girlfriend you're talking about. Why are you picking on her?" _They're dating again?!_Kurt thought, panicking.

"Oh! Finn! I'm sorry-"

"Get out of here! I just don't want to hear you say those things anymore. Wait, you're the one who spread that rumor last week-"

"I have to go!" Kurt yelled, running out of the room with his phone.

"Oops," Mercedes giggled.

2:

Kurt left the boys' locker room in tears. He picked up the phone and called Blaine. He sat in his car, just taking deep breaths. When Blaine picked, up, Kurt said, "Blaine...I need to talk to you..."

"What's wrong?"

"Karofsky...I...Courage backfired on me, Blaine."

"What happened?!" Blaine panicked.

"He...He kissed me..."

Just then, Dave looked into Kurt's window and moved his hand across his neck in a threatening gesture. Kurt screamed and dropped the phone.

"Kurt?! What happened?!" Kurt picked up his phone with shaking hands.

"S-sorry, Blaine...I shouldn't have told you...forget I said anything, okay?"

"Forget you said-What's going on?"

"Nevermind. Text you later." He hung up.

3:

Santana rolled her eyes at him. Kurt said, "You're just jealous because I'm out and proud and in love. You're in love and in the closet. That's why you're so cruel."

She slapped him. "_Don_'_t_ even say that!" she lowered her voice to a whisper, "You of all people know how hard it is. You have no right to judge me!"

Kurt realized what he'd just said. His eyes widened in horror. "Oh, San, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it!"

"Sure you didn't." She turned away.

And 1:

"Oh, please, like he'd ever like _me,"_ Blaine heard, passing Kurt's dorm. The door was open and Kurt was talking on the phone with someone.

"Blaine's _never_ going to go out with me and you know it."

_What_? Blaine cleared his throat. Kurt turned around and said, "Shush, 'Cedes, the aforementioned love of my life is standing right here."

Blaine stared at Kurt. Kurt just stared back with an expression that clearly said "What?" A few seconds later, Kurt's eyes widened and he said, "Uh...you didn't hear that last part, did you?"

"Um, yeah. The apparent love of your life just heard everything."

"I'm so embarrassed..."

"Don't be, Kurt," Blaine said, stepping closer, "Because the love of my life is standing right in front of me."

Kurt smiled, surprised. "You mean...?"

Blaine leaned in and kissed Kurt. For once, Kurt was grateful for his inability to keep his mouth shut.


	3. Who I am Hates Who I've Been

**Who I am Hates Who I've Been**

I audition for Danny with "Hopelessly Devoted to You"; the reason I sing that song is because it's how I feel about Kurt. I just can't take the part when I'm going through this, though.

I realize I shouldn't be so sad all the time; my life is just...a sorry excuse for a life right now, to be honest. But I made it that way, so I can't really complain.

The exact moment my life got so messed up was when I went to Eli's house. Or when I sent the text. I wish I could take back that text so badly right now...

I've never really been a very good person, come to think of it. Sure, anyone else would tell you that I was a good guy (well, before the whole cheating thing, that is. Now everyone hates me) but I know myself better than that. I was a mentor and a friend to a lot of people, I guess...but I've never really been that good of a boyfriend to Kurt, you see. I got jealous over Chandler, and now look at what I've done.

I've never given _real_ advice. "Courage"-yeah, right. And where did courage get Kurt? He assured me it's fine now, that Dave's his friend now, but Kurt's first kiss wouldn't have been stolen if it weren't for me.

I heard the reverberating footsteps  
Synching up to the beating of my heart  
And I was positive that unless I got myself together  
I would watch me fall apart

And I can't let that happen again  
'Cause then you'll see my heart  
In the saddest state it's ever been

This is no place to try and live my life

Miss Pillsbury told me to stop beating myself up...I guess that's true that I do take everything out on myself. Maybe I'm not really as bad a person as I just said I was...

I don't really have any friends left since I cheated on Kurt...everyone's on his side, as they well should be. _I'm _on his side, for goodness sakes. So I've kind of been sitting in my room, just talking to myself. Isn't that sad? And I don't just mean like every once in a while. _Every. Single. Day._

The other day I just started crying, for absolutely no reason. I was just sitting there when I started to cry. I'm thinking it's all this bottled up emotion...But what else can I do? I'm falling apart, all because of a stupid mistake I made. And now I just have to live with it...unless I can invent a time machine...

I'm trying to be a better person, I swear. I'll never cheat again-at least, I hope not. If I ever do get another boyfriend, that is. I'll never cheat again. Ever.

I may not be with Kurt still, but I'll take the second chance he gave me. He gave me a second chance at friendship. I'm extremely grateful; you have no idea.

I can't change the past, and I'll always hate myself a little for that. But I can change; I can (not to be cheesy) learn from my mistakes. I'll never become that way again. Even if Kurt never takes me back, I'll do better at...everything, for him. I promise, Kurt. I promise.


	4. I Don't Need a Soul

**I Don't Need a Soul**

Blaine lie there, listening to the ambulance sirens. Why did everyone he loved have to die? First his mother, then his grandfather, then his best friend, and now...no. He wouldn't think about Kurt that way. And even if Kurt did...die... Things could still be worse...

Thinking back on it, Blaine knows that everything's for the better. Sure, he doesn't like the fact that Kurt had to die, but that's just the way it is. The sun still burns the shadows out, and there's nothing to complain about. His life isn't perfect, but he has a pretty good life.

Everything happens for a reason. That's what Blaine's mom always used to say. And it's probably true; Blaine just doesn't know what that reason is. He has to take life as it is and treasure the fact. Instead of being upset or getting depressed after Kurt's death, Blaine just looks back and says, "It's destiny. It was supposed to happen."_**  
**_

Kurt remains beautiful in his memory, and Blaine's life is still precious to him. He doesn't need Kurt; Blaine always believed Kurt was his soul mate, but Blaine doesn't need Kurt to survive. Blaine doesn't need his "other half". He's a whole person, not half of a person.

They all knew the cancer was bad-Kurt struggled to live a normal day. But he kept trying, never gave up, and that's what counted. His days were numbered, and all the options for treatment had pretty much already been tried.

Blaine misses Kurt nearly every day. He loved Kurt so much, and Kurt loved him back. But Blaine's life is amazing, and things could still be worse.

No matter what, Blaine knows Kurt would want him to keep living his life normally. He doesn't have to let Kurt's death stop him from living his life. After all, there are people who have it so much worse. Life is still beautiful, and Kurt's memory remains. That's all Blaine could ever ask for.


End file.
